A Report Written By Sideswipe
by Optronix Prime
Summary: Prowl threw the datapad onto his desk, his wings twitching with fury. He hated it when Sideswipe decided to write his reports at four in the morning while hopped up on painkillers. He was going to make Sideswipe rewrite it. It sounded more like they had attacked a zoo than fought the Predacons. He was he going to have a word with Sideswipe as soon as he woke up about his report...


GENERAL REPORT FORM

(Use only if no other report option is applicable)

DEPARTMENT: Front lines – warrior stuff

REPORTER: Sideswipe

SUPERVISOR OF REPORTER: Ironhide

START TIME: 03:43:31

END TIME: 04:25:04

INCENDENT: We fought a zoo

DESCRIPTION OF INCENDENT (Be as detailed as possible):

So there we were, minding our own business. Sun and I, we were on patrol – okay, maybe it wasn't patrol, but does that actually matter? Anyway we were driving down that skimpy highway between here and Portland – ya know, the two lane one that if you go more than sixty on you get pulled over by angry humans – to get stuff. Sun and I, we're chilling, listening to human music, sun's overhead, wind on our hoods. We go around a bend and it was just RIGHT THERE!

Yeah I probs should have stopped, but like, what tiger just lies down in the middle of the road to take a nap? No sensible tiger.

I slammed on my breaks, Sun too, but of course I hit the fragging thing. I transformed midair, thinking I would just fly over it, but no, of course not! We collide in a shower of sparks. It's roaring, I'm yelling, Sun's swearing. I looked down and there I was, looking right into the optics of the beast. It tried to _eat me_. Who does that? It's not my fault I hit him. He was just lying there like a moron. Even I'm not stupid enough to just lie my aft down in the road for a nap. Primus.

Sun had transformed too. He was some twenty feet down the road on his back. I'm working with this tiger, keeping it from crunching my helm in its maw as Sun gets up, pulling out his gun. Suddenly I heard this other roaring behind me. Pretty sure Sun was like _aww fuck_ but I was kinda busy. Ya know, tiger trying to eat me. But before I could slay the tiger, an angry cow noise came from my left and SMASH! This fucking bull crashes into me. I went skidding down the road, ruining my paint, but I didn't care because _it was on_. The tiger was on its feet – er paws – the bull at its side. They were gonna gang up on me. Like that was a problem. I am Sideswipe after all.

Dunno what Sun was doing, but I kicked that bull's aft! We were fighting, the tiger jumped onto my back, sinking its claws into my armor, but I never faltered! Nothing could bring me down! Not this tiger or bull. I could tame them both!

Sun probs needed my help at some point, but he's a big mech and can take care of himself. The bull charged but I sadly wasn't fast enough. Next thing I know, I'm riding this creature BACKWARDS! The tiger roaring, unsure if it should attack as it could hurt the bull. Fear not! I didn't give up. I rode that bitch right into the rhino that was attacking Sunny. The three of us collided, a pain shooting through my leg as it was crushed between the beast and the ground. Sun pulled me free just as the lion pounced from above.

We both went down as the lion roared loud in my audios. The beast's fangs sunk into my arm, pain shooting through me. It was trying to rip my arm off, the fucker. Sun wasn't gonna let that happen though. He picked the cat up and threw it into a small rock structure thingy. I scrambled to my peds, finally getting my gun out (as there hadn't been a good opportunity to get it out before this). But this stupid bird swoops in and grabs it. It was an asshole bird.

The tiger and the rhino were working on Sun as the bull came back for me. The lion too. The bird flying around above us is shooting at us with my own fucking gun. Yeah, I know, typical. But Sun shot the bird and it dropped my gun in a tree, branches breaking before it hit the ground. I went to retrieve it, but the lion apparently still really wanted my arm as it's midafternoon snack. We wrestled for a minute, but I totally won. I got my gun and started shooting at the wild animals. But that stupid lion was back and somehow got me on the ground. It was gonna eat my face, but Sun shot that damn cat like, twenty times and it finally stopped moving.

The rhino was incapacitated thanks to my gorgeous twin. But it wasn't over! Oh no, we were back in the pen with the tiger and the bull. I was about to attack, but THERE WAS THAT FUCKING BIRD AGAIN! It picked me up, flying through the air. I tried to escape, thrashing and twisting within its hold, but I couldn't! I was about to shoot it, but no! I had dropped my gun during the fight with the lion.

And then that goddamn bird dropped me. But don't worry! It was only like, fifty feet or something like that. But I felt the struts in my leg break when I hit the ground, Energon flowing everywhere. It was dreadful. I was on the verge of death, lying there on the pavement, my last words on my breath as Sunstreaker struggled to fend off the remaining beasts. But when they realized how injured the lion was, they scooped the cat up and fled like the wusses they are.

I can't quite remember what Sun said to me as the angels sang, the light so bright overhead. I thought to myself: this is it, Sides – you're dead.

But cool thing is, I wasn't! Sun wrapped my leg and we headed home for Ratchet to patch us up. Totally cool right? Walking into the Medbay wasn't, but I had a pretty good day before that.

Maybe I should get a cat…


End file.
